purpose
by ShadowsTakeAll
Summary: At first you do it because you have to, but slowly it actually starts to matter again.


**Hi wolflets. Here is today's Surprise Friday installment. As always, fanfiction is my playground so I am forever trying new (and potentially strange) things writing-wise, so be prepared. This is set after 3B and ignores S4. No real pairings, just lots of pack feels. Reviews make me really happy, so if you have a moment let me know your thoughts. And join me next week for 'scarlet' on Monday, 'fugue' on Tuesday, and another surprise next Friday. See you around, and I hope you enjoy the story.**

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/

At first you do it because you have to.

She's lying in your arms and

_it's okay, it's perfect_

there's no time to grieve because you've got a nogitsune and a funeral and a pack you need to take care of, and all three rip your heart clean out of you.

(you're not sure there was much of it left anyway)

It's the sheriff who shows up first and he drives you to the station and

_it all happened so fast_

you can't wrap your head around it because one minute she was flinging arrows at the enemy and the next she's down on the ground.

(you keep saying her name but it gets washed away in the pool of blood)

In the distance you can hear a banshee scream and sirens wail but somehow you can't hear any of it because all you can focus on is the sound of

_I love you_

and the love of your life taking her last breath.

Then there's questions and excuses and the cover-up story you rehearsed on the way over. You call it an accident, a tragedy, and

_it just happened so fast_

the police finally let you go. They think you're going home to cry yourself to sleep but really you're out hunting a monster.

(or maybe becoming one)

You track down the demon and you tear him apart but it doesn't bring her back and you're still left with a broken heart and a broken pack and

(she didn't deserve this)

you still have to wake up in the morning and pretend you didn't die right along with her.

(you didn't deserve this)

So you wake up in the morning and you go to bed at night because it's what you're supposed to do.

You tell yourself it's the right thing and it's what she'd want but it doesn't matter because she'd want you to be happy and

(you don't deserve that)

you're not sure that can ever happen.

Your pack needs you so you try to be the alpha they deserve.

/

After a while you do it because someone once told you it mattered.

You made a promise, a battle cry -

_nous protégeons_

- so when a new evil comes to town, this time dressed in heels and with a smile that could melt ice, you take it in your stride.

Some of the pack wants to leave this one alone because

_it's too dangerous_

they've already lost so much and they can't stand to risk it all to save people they don't even know.

But there's a code you follow so when the first drop of innocent blood is spilled you have no choice but to interfere.

(you promised you'd protect them)

You don't save the first one

(and you'll keep it or die trying)

but you get there in time to save the second, a little kid of five or six at most and

_you'll be okay_

she holds your hand all the way to the hospital, until you hand her over to her tear-filled mother with a promise of

_you're safe now_

and you try not to remember the last time you broke that promise.

You beat back the evil and you share a tired smile with your pack because this time the price was one you're willing to pay.

Werewolf healing kicks in and starts to stitch your wounds together but

_are you okay?_

you don't let it heal because you know you need to feel the pain

_what's wrong?_

so you keep your pack together and your hide your scars and you make sure you say all of the right things because

way deep down

you're waiting for the day when it starts to matter.

/

After that you do it because it becomes a habit.

A new evil comes and goes, and then another and another

(and somehow you manage not to flunk out of school)

an endless stream of monsters just waiting to slash you to pieces

(they don't know you've already fallen apart)

so you and the pack fight them off one by one and you lose count of the times you tumble into your bed covered in blood you're too tired to wash off.

(after the third time, your mother stops asking)

Your heart's not in it anymore but your friends humor you, nodding along to your rousing speeches and inspiring battle cries -

_nous protégeons, nous chassons_

- even though you're all weighed down by broken arrows, splinters in your heart left behind by a hunter who was taken too soon.

(and maybe you weren't taken soon enough)

You do what you have to do because it's the only option, because you have to keep going even when you've lost sight of what you're fighting for

(all you can remember is what the fight has cost you)

and you hope someday it'll be enough.

/

Two months after her death, your pack starts to crumble.

/

You've got a banshee who stays out all night in shady clubs with even shadier people because they're the only ones who won't ask her what a pretty girl like her is doing in a place like that.

(you just want to ask how she's doing)

/

You've got a werewolf whose girlfriend just died so he skips school for weeks at a time and disappears into the forest without a word to the rest of you, and when he comes back he acts like nothing ever happened.

(you just want to make sure nothing does happen)

/

You've got a best friend with blood on his hands and a haunted look in his eyes and he stopped answering your calls two days ago, and when you go round to his house his dad just shakes his head sadly and tells you he doesn't want to see anyone.

(you just want to see if he's okay)

/

You take a deep breath.

Your eyes glow red.

You howl.

/

It brings your pack to you and they gather round, confused and cautious and expecting you to inform them of the latest catastrophe.

But there's no catastrophes this time.

There's just you.

/

What follows is like a scene from an after school special. You tell them how much you need them. You may even use the word _love _once or twice. You remind them that you're in this together. You ask them to come to you if they need anything.

/

And, one by one, they do.

/

First it's your best friend, who calls you up at two am and says

_I need you_

and he answers the door with a bottle of scotch in his hand and a tilt in his voice and you sit with him until he sobers up and spills his soul, and then you patch him up and by the time you leave he's actually smiling.

/

Next it's the other wolf, who shows up on your doorstep after school and says

_I'm not okay_

and you let him in and offer him some tea, and you fail miserably at making it but it gets both of you laughing, and he gets that spark back in his eyes and tells you he never blamed you for her death.

/

Lastly it's the banshee, who catches you before first period and says

_I'm sorry_

and hands over her fake ID, and you skip school that day and head out into the woods, and you share stories about your fallen friend and you hold her as she cries into your shoulder, and you both feel a little lighter as you emerge from the trees into the milky twilight.

/

When the next evil comes, your pre-battle pep talk doesn't sound so forced.

/

When your pack mates start falling apart, they come to you instead.

/

When you forget what you're fighting for, you visit her grave.

/

When you feel like giving up, you don't.

/

At first you do it because you have to, but slowly

it actually starts to matter again.

/

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**Don't forget to review, and feel free to send me a prompt if it takes your fancy. Thanks guys!**


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